I think I'm going to die by hangover. I'm in my spanish class. So I guess I'm going to be muerte.
Dude. My sister is off limits. Touch her again and I'll rip off your dick and force feed it to you.
I accept this challenge.
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
he woke up with $200 in his pocket and had to buy his cell phone back from a hobo at the bus stop.
Despite fighting the urge to vomit throughout the whole thing, I think that interview went really well!
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
I cannot believe I said bareback movement...
I vaguely remember having a cowboy explain his belt buckle to me in the bathroom hallway
My mom just covered me while I peed in the street. I love her. i also love parents weekend.
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
For reals. He's my age and he still hangs out at his frat house & gets hammered every weekend. Idk if I'm jealous of him or if I pity him
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
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