Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
I think that was him coming out to me. I just brushed it off
You can't mix blow jobs, bacon, and Star Wars.
A) just did. And b-z) that sounds like a great Sunday morning.
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
I'm at the bar, forgot my pants. Everyone's over reacting
I fell asleep on the floor again. i dont want help, just a pillow. its kind of nice down here.
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
You could at least care enough to fake an orgasm for me.
Like he was cock blocking and it usually takes ten cocks to block this cock
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
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