and when i put it inside her she yelled "welcome aboard!"
i'm sorry if your life is a sore subject
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
started her walk of shame as my mom and dad walked through my common room door...my dad held the door for her and told her to have a nice day
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
God I hope my hair dresser doesn't realize that all these hairspiration pictures are from gay porn blogs on tumblr.
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
He's the stereotypical redneck. He tried to go kayaking during a storm and almost got into a fight when a park ranger tried to stop him
We hooked up with 2 friends last night as always and she stole their fucking cocaine and I just had to drive to their house and make her give it back to him hahshshahahah only me
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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