There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
the blizzard started in kansas. im debating driving to a bar now so i can get snowed in there for the game
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
she cried into her fur with two handfuls of money- she was the physical manifestation of white girl problems
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
shes making a cheerios necklace using dental floss 'just in case' she gets the munchies later
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
Major life highlight, she said my dick taste like coffee.
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
he started frosting cupcakes and licking the mini-spatula realllllly deliberately and i don't know if i'm more attracted to him or the cupcakes
I might go to an NA meeting just to fuck that boy in the bathroom.
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
Are you sure you found YOUR underwear?
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
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