I think someone spiked my drink last night. .. Like all 20 of them.
she looks like luggage that fell from a plane
State Street has never looked so beautiful than during my walk of shame.
I won't be sarcastic... just naked
i threw up in a box in my own lap driving today.
I just took two shots of Burnerts out of a ladle. Get here now.
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
Not remembering where I left my grinder before vacation #stonerproblems
he never texted me back from last night. i think brining out the suction cup dildo was a mistake
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
Update: I spent 10 minutes trying to fish out a rogue vagina weight.
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
That man makes my giblets tingle
Congrats? I think?
Randomize