i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
He kept spanking me and talking about biomedical science.
Aw, you fucked a pre-med? you're moving up in the world!
This is your monthly public service announcement that sexual services will temporarily cease from Wednesday night to Monday. Please plan accordingly and have a nice day =D
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
Can we both just take a day off just to have sex? Is that acceptable as an adult?
We should have a mid-burrito sex-break, too. Just so we don't get too full all at once
Good point.
Also that boy who jizzed in me wearing Cowboy boots and a plaid shirt snapped me at 4 am and said "I owe you a dinner. Sorry"
you fell asleep with her panties on your face. how are you surprised??
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
Randomize
