well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
Yes theres a double standard. Get over it. Fuck the critics and go be the slut you were born to be
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
He said we would have a beautiful daughter together. That way too much for a one night stand...
I don't think he cares about your inhospitable uterus.
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
Watching a guy pay his tab with a check. Jesus dude...
Fuck him. He can bang that skeezer all he wants. Fuck her lawyerness I’m a YouTube star
Southwest doesn't have zingzang bloody Mary mix. I'm gonna file a complaint with the FAA
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