In The Air Tonight was playing in the dentist's office. Had to stop the cleaner to do the drums.
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
WHY AREWNT YOU HERE SO MUCH FUN STUFF DO IT GET IN CAR NOW caps lock
Just got done fucking the squirter chick. She came when we were in a 69. I now know what it's like to be water boarded.
Even though he was watching you pee on his bedroom floor, you kept denying it and saying he was dreaming
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
I picked up the bartender so he could open the bar early and ended up with him giving me a ride home when he closed. I like snowdays and everything, but they get really expensive. Also, I think I threw up on his front door. Not checking.
Sorry for face planting onto the table with all our alcohol on it
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
he's the only real guy friend I've had who I've never made out with
At least you got some excitement going on, you got weed and might die tonight, I'm just sitting here bored as fuck.
Even my conscience is telling me to take this Wednesday's exam buzzed.
Randomize
