my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
Her little brother was home, so we had to hook up while playing hide and seek with him
I thought this kinda shit only happens to ugly people
I'd give my left nut to see you
don't do that. I like the set
i mean i should have known that when i started taking shots with my zumba instructor i was in for a rough night...
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
I've never been so embarrassed. It's like waking up as Fred Durst.
Yes but that point is quickly negated bc u should never have to search more than one room to find your underwear.
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
Please tell me there isn't another video of me on the toilet...
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
This is what you sent me from the other side of the pool, "Idk but thers a pool n l wanna get naked take off my trunks ill paddle with my dick"
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
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