I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
I started the year with 2,800 dollars and am now down to 83 dollars-one of which i use to snort my focalin. I have given up on food and am perplexed as to how I can make 82 dollars last more than two weekends for booze
I just won 10 dollars from out chugging the bar tender and I found out that the baby aint mine in the last hour. I don't even care if l get laid tonight any more.
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
Juss got out of jail; shes still in there tryin to sing her abc's backwards bc the cops neva asked her too... Whebever she gets to t she starts singin the tequilla song
I've actually, minus lsat night have actually changed my drinking habits
i don't know how to react to you in a diaper crying and calling a football 'sadie'.
Her 4ft mother helped 5ft10 passed out me from the car to my girlfriend's bed at 1am...with whopper in hand
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
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