You know how britney does the hair flip too much in her new videos? Thats me right now
oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing
haha it's okay then, bc he only killed a canadian, they're not real people
Why did you send me a picture of a dick?
It was an accident sry. Not mine tho.
I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
and then he publicly announced her herpes on facebook.
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
I AM COVERED IN FAKE BLOOD AND REAL CUM. I AM AWESOME
Nothing worse then being at the gym on the elliptical next to a guy looking at porn on his phone
i swear to god it was like we were fucking in 9 dimensions
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
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