And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
We sat in your minivan all night in a parking lot pretending we were in the magic school bus going to the sun
i slept with her, drove her to her sisters house to babysit, and then drove around the block where i met her sister and had sex with her in my van. I'm family Friendly!
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
He went down on me while I had rollers in my hair. I've never felt more like a lady.
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
Making drunken Mac n cheese at 3 am I understand why witches constantly stir their cauldrons. Much more homogenized temperature and slim chance of boiling over. Good job witches.
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
bitch dont make me pour hotsauce in your vagina
We were like one big happy Eskimo family.
It was like mission impossible.
but with sex.
Randomize
