She told me a very interesting story, complete with pantomimes, about how she got a habanero seed in her vag
we just toasted to your mouth on alex's balls at the bar
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
If it makes you feel any better, I had my finger up some guy's butt today... Dominatrix training, ya know...
I just had to beg some random guy to help me climb through your porch window since the door was locked. FYI...i hear you having sex in there. You could of at least taken a break to unlock the damn door. WTF!!!
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
Yeah just had sex and grub hub came right after he did. I’d say it’s a win.
I. Love. Skype. Sex.
I think it's just been too long since actual dick has been inside you that you only THINK you love skype sex
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
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