I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
I just saw a kid walk into class with his dad. Fuck his life.
If I had a nickel for every time my parents threatened to stop paying tuition I would be a very rich man. Rich enough to pay my own tuition.
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
Well unless he sent his sperm via fedex, this baby isnt his
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
Yeah.. he went to Tebow in the middle of the crosswalk and got hit by a cab... The yellow ones really don't stop
Yes, you can 69 in a fiat. But I think I have permanent nerve damage
We now know how the night ended in arrest according to the flip camera I did 10 handle pulls and beer bonged a 40. My life choices are getting worse and worse this is your fault.
you regret 100% of the tequila shots you do take. thats what gretzky meant to say
She was wearing some slutty variation of a toga and giving the entire bus a pep talk on why we should black out tonight...I'M IN LOVE AND I DON'T CARE WHO KNOWS IT!
And please let him know I don't normally go off on long rants about feminist theory. That was totally the vodka talking.
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
Randomize
