New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
so while trying to be a healthier drunk i discovered that putting airborne in natty is not an advisable decision
Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
being a part time student has turned me into a full time alcoholic.
This soccer player girl is eating this banana WAY to slow. Too early for penis shaped foods.
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
I can't be held responsible for another man's penis.
Randomize
