Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
Obviously a higher power wants us to be sunday drunk together
He blacked out at the first bar and passed out at the second...we just carried him to bar three and four and sat him in the lounge chairs, he said we're amazing
Nothing says "Good Morning" like Jell-o shots and coffee cakes.
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
oh I'm washing fake blood out of my bra.
I NEED to hang out with you more
The bump on my forehead, i think, was from falling asleep at front door, on my knees, slumped over. But we played good music so what?
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
Randomize
