yeah so this exboyfriend of yours reckons you're still together and he punched me in the face cos i slept with you last week. you might wanna have a word with him or at a minimum change your facebook status.
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
I just heard someone say "gosh-darnit" and they didn't have a southern twang. I worry for New York.
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
he said he wished i had balls so he could kick me in them. then we had sex obviously
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
anyways, do you want to make more embarrassing memories that im bound to remind you about later and laugh about?
What's the policy on calling guys who have kids daddy...
I wanted to give everyone gifts as they left the house... So when your wondering where most of the christmas ornaments are I'm really sorry.
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
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