my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
there's paper in my vomit.
I didnt pay $190 for a fake with a new middle name of Vane..
Question. If Kwik Trip and Kum and Go were to merge, what would they call it? Kwik Kum or Kum Kwik?
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
Being a slut is okay if you're being a polite slut, right?
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
After we had sex he made me watch a Top Gun highlight video...
He said it was fake. Like really? Hey baby, I wanna sleep with you, so here's a picture of a fake tiny dick
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
I thought we agreed to no sexting at the school bake sale...
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
I just masturbated at work... Don't know why but I thought you should know
I can't imagine a friend I would rather lose my virginity to in a threesome.
Randomize
