Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
I'm not 100% sure, but I think someone gave me a bath last night...
Don't worry we did the "promise to get an abortion" handshake
Just had a flashback of you announcing "your nipples aren't that big for the size of your boobs, I've seen them"
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
Basically, I'm sure one day I'll look back on this part of my life and be ashamed....
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
Please can we have sex in this office for old times sake
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
Lesson Learned: It's not a party until someone pisses their pants.
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
Someone made a mask out of a crown royal bag. Can't decide if tacky or awesome.
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
Randomize
