I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
I had this image of some guy in a taco truck down by the IMA accosting you for a peep show.
You don't understand. This could be the last time I shave a star into my vag. Get over here.
That's just weird. That doesn't make sense sexually at all. I mean, you might as well tape a pen to the tip and try and write your name while you're at it.
WAIT MOM THIS DOESNT NEED TO BE A FAMILY EVENT OK AARON DOESNT NEED TO BE AROUND FOR NIPPLEGATE 2014
She has that type of face she reminds me of that weird girl from napoleon dynamite only taller and with hoop earrings.
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
I didnt know whether I was going to vomit or orgasm because I was feeling both sensations
Well the cops were called after the kid fell, but we saw 4 cute guys from our window while it was going down, so it wasn't all that bad.
Randomize
