dunno bout you, but i grow tired of beef curtains
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
I know it sounds like a good idea, but doing Spanish homework at a bar just because the owners are Mexican and they give us margaritas really wasn't the best decision.
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
Now we just need to figure out why your underwear was in your bra
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
It's a shame, really, because he's got the cock of a horse... And the personality of dry toast.
I SHOULD BE TERRIFIED OF HIS DRAGON DICK.
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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