I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
I get off at the next exit which doesn't have a shoulder, a guy is riding my ass so I cant stop. I think I got as much puke on his car as on mine.
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
Best case scenario I do a bunch of dirty things to you, blow your mind and you enjoy it. Worst case I stare at you, poke at you, smile and droll on myself, you laugh.
I accidentally called my professor daddy...and I think he liked it. Help, I'm scared.
I'm starting to think my emotional health is declining because I was watching transformers today and legit almost started crying
I CLEANED MY BATHROOM FOR YOU!! betrayal
They gave me 4 meds at the health center and said not to take alcohol with any of them. Guess ill wait until tomorrow to feel better.
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
I think my roomie is silently judging me for spraining my foot by having sex in a bounce house
so the bounce house and tequila was good idea then?
Randomize
