She is totally STD
Is it a bad omen that my phone auto corrects dtf to STD
I thought this kinda shit only happens to ugly people
I took a picture of his ID so i could remember how to spell his last name and facebook stalk him later...I think he saw me do it
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
So two questions...why am I covered in muffins and are there pictures of this.
He compared my vagina to the first time he tried cocaine
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
I threw up in a wendys bag in her car. when i went to throw it out the window it exploded all over me. No I don't think there will be a second date.
Roomies told me I showed up to my house alone with no pants on and burrs in my hair... I live in the middle of the city
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
All of a sudden he got that look on his face and ran to the dance floor and started fist pumping to Rihanna that kind of night
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