Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
I just want you to know the floor between our rooms isnt sound proof "Captain Cock"
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
dude, seriously he just sucked the milk out of the dogs breast and swallowed it... for $20, wtf....?
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
I'm spooning a three legged dog right now. Started drinking whiskey with Breakfast. Best part about being biracial is Irish cousins. Dog Pic Attahed
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
im pretty sure the interns at this hospital have gotten hotter
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
Are you planning on wandering into construction sites drunk and falling down 6' holes?
probably
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
I think I had Hypothermia but was too drunk to notice.
Randomize
