new low.... made out with someone while peeing
Maybe I need a light up heart over my vagina like Christina aguilera to get the point across
Would you like me to write a persuasive essay on how you should let me suck your dick?
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
Then he told me he was proud of me for remembering that i blew him that night.. Maybe my drinking is getting out of hand.
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
I think it's awesome that you're getting shower sex advice from a Mormon.
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
He talked me out going to the bar. No one ever talks me out going to the bar..this is fucking love.
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
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