The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
Buying beer for freshmen. No matter what they ask for, I'm getting them Colt 45.
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
I think he offered to cook me dinner or cook me for dinner. Not really sure. Just smiled and nodded.
One of us will probably end up wearing nothing but glow/ neon body paint and a pair of water wings...
And I am in no way ashamed to say that it will most likely be me. I'm hoping for it actually.
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
lets start a news segment called WHY IS LEOS CROTCH BURNING TODAY
I am sitting in my lingerie, eating frozen cookie dough out of a bowl, and watching family. My hump day is going great
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
You can make out without kissing
Explanation needed
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
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