I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
i'm home, then i'll come over
ightttt gangstaaaaaaaaaaaa
nvm.
I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
It's like past high you was looking out for future high you by rolling that joint and leaving it in your coat pocket. What a Halloween miracle
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
after the fucking you spent twenty minutes vomiting naked and shaking your dick at my roommates. luckily, i don't remember that, or i'd have to be really insulted.
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
Look,the guy had sex w/a Canadian prison guard on the deck of a cruise ship,he could blow any second.
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
Well, at least you look pretty when you're disgusted
In the middle of pounding my asshole he stopped and said, "do you want to get breakfast after this?"
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
I will not go because I am a man of my word and of my penis.
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