I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
Btw sorry for throwing that bag of ice at your face lastnight....
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
I'll probably just close my eyes and point to a random name. That will be my vote.
I just realised how much we're failing the women's suffrage movement right now.
She's the worst person, but the best naked person
Well we get the HIV results on my birthday haha. It'll be like happy birthday kid, you have AIDS.
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
Yeah it got awkward when the two guys we were playing beer pong against realized that I'd hooked up with both of them. Their teamwork declined after that.
She moved all of her stuff out while we were gone. Shit in the toilet, and didn’t flush. So yeah it went well.
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
Just saw a girl I banged wearing a pro life shirt downtown. Not sure where to start with that.
Randomize
