so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
You talked to that cop for like 15 minutes and when you got back, you told us you were "networking".
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
i have this gut feeling friday is going to be interesting.\nAnd by interesting I mean I feel like im going to get punched in the face by his girlfriend.
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
We stayed up until 4:20 AM. The next thing I remember was waking up at 4 PM, like my internal alarm clock knew.
I have better things to do with my life than be faithful.
I'm pretty sure my munchies are the only reason Good and Plenty is still around
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
Randomize
