Google if cops ever smoke weeds and then bust them. I need to know immidiately.
Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
Her vagina smelled like chicken
why do you say that
chicken smells like everything
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
No he can't help me find his house he is strapped to a stretcher facing the opposite direction
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
I kinda feel like I was hit by a Prius. Just glad it's not bus status.
I guess my vagina missed him because it called and left a 5 min. message. Color me impressed
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
I'm constantly crying, and now I start crying every time I masturbate which is a fun development.
Uhm I have a bottle of tequila, a gallon of orange juice, and leggings. Now ask me again how hard im going? And that doesn't cover tomorrow.
Noooo no no no no. She scares me. She means business. She wore a diaper when we went to the bar.
Randomize
