Idk man, it felt like my skin was a suit and I could feel it zipping up my side and up to my mouth. And then my head felt like a ventriloquist dummy's head, with the jaw thing..it was freaky, dude
You think that's a metaphor for anything, champ?
Shut the hell up.
my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
so sad. i just ate the last good 'n' plenty out of the bottom of my purse.
it's pretty bad when you go in bed bath and beyond and recognize 6 different bed spreads you've had sex on
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
Just beer bonged tequila, broke into the hotel next door and got chased by security. It's spring break
Hooked up with a guy dressed as Miss Frizzle last night... Asked if I could ride his Magic School Bus
He came over apologized for his lack of sexual skills. Cleaned my kitchen cooked me dinner. And gave me another one minute stand. I think im okay with this
We had sex on the tiger blanket while I was wearing my Ukrainian shirt and my ass touched the Ukrainian flag. Happy 25th Ukraine!
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
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