she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
he laminated a picture of his dick.
Do what your heart wants. . .
My heart wants to rip his balls off and tie therm to his head using his penis
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
I peppersprayed myself last night. Sigh.
Do u remember giving me permission to fuck ur dad and then getting super pissed at me when i said ew?
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
For the first time in my life, I still have money by the next payday. Who is this responsible person and what have they done with the real me?
Your shirt... Was in my pants
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
I just landed at Logan and some guy threw up in the baggage carousel. Boston never really changes
LOOK AT HOW SMOOTH THIS BITCH IS
Randomize
