dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
i just saw a midget buying condoms and graham crackers. i wonder which was the impluse buy.
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
he just kept saying "come on iron man, you can do this!" to himself the whole time..
I'm wearing cowboy boots and showing way too much cleavage to be in a place with no jaeger.
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
So much easier to puke and rally now that my gluten's under control
we are the apple cider girls!
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
With everyone putting up pictures of their moms on Facebook it's time to go single MILF hunting.
You will bone me until my eyeballs fall out. This is not a request.
he never texted me back from last night. i think brining out the suction cup dildo was a mistake
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
She super glued his penis to his testicles. And shaved off a good portion of his hair after he passed out at the party.
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