why did u let me go home with him last night?
u were determined it was a good idea
Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
noooo, I woke up on his pack porch and the SUN WAS RISING. I saw red lights everywhere and heard sirens so I just ran for my life.
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
Did you see the video of me eating a marshmellow on fire?
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
So, we estimated there is at least 40 pounds of boob in our house.
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
please, i've had weekends with less dignity than this.
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
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