There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
she was so "full of love" from watching twilight that she came over and gave me a handjob. when does the next movie come out?
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
the fda needs to get their shit together cause these four loko going away parties are gonna kill me
He kept checkin to make sure you were still alive after you passed out on his bed, After like the 4th time he walked back in there you were naked on his bed eating an apple, claiming he needed to be the Adam to your Eve..That drunk..
Don't linger or you will get sucked into spending the night. Remember the mission mantra: GET OFF
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
EITHER I'M HIGH OR JUST REACHED A NEW LEVEL OF SINGLE FEMALE SADNESS BECAUSE THIS BROWNIE IS GIVING ME ORGASMS
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
It's difficult to focus on bonds when you know your classmate peed in your mouth
Randomize
