I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
I'm sure I'm not the FIRST newly single girl to table dance at a family restaurant.
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
She's like my safety school. At the end of the night, if I haven't found anyone better to hook up with, I can always call her if I need a place to drop a load and don't want to rub one out myself. Perfect next door neighbor.
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
For months it was all good and well just having sex. Now, something in me has snapped and I'm dreaming of taking turtleneck Christmas pictures with him. Fuck you, we're going out tonight. I need this.
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
He called me khaleesi while I rode his dick. He wins
HIS DICK IS GLORIOUS AND I WANT TO RIDE IT TO VALHALLA
I don't know what happened last night. But I just woke up in the high school boiler room
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
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