I will die if light touches me.
Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
It's like past high you was looking out for future high you by rolling that joint and leaving it in your coat pocket. What a Halloween miracle
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
You were literally hanging out the window and dancing to the remix to Ignition when we drove you home
Visibly drunk girl eating alone at a souplantation just spilled salad all over her body. It was me
Any chance the bar is open now? Also who's wedding is this?
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
i survived drinking for 24 hours, an 8 ball of cocaine and a threesome. I think you can handle moving.
This is the fifth time tonight that girl has taken off my pants. Take me home. Now.
I was not drunk enough for that final.
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
Randomize
