i fucked a milf yesterday.
i'm not impressed, in this generation that could technically mean a 16 year old.
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
Not sure if it's my shorts, hat, shoes, hair or soul but one of the above just got me drunk again from the glorious aroma of Keystone Light.
i'm sad to say... seems like women around here set up their armageddon booty calls ahead of time. wanna fill all these condoms with tequila and head downtown???
Will i get arrested If i steal the salvatiion arny guys bell for ringing it to close to my hangover
I have the most nasty and explicit wet dreams of my boss that I'm embarrassed to look him in the face. I'd be pregnant or promoted if he only knew
i have never been so sexually frustrated as I am right now. I feel like dying...is death an option?
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
Oh goddamn. That a super downer Tuesday reality right there. Just hit me with the cold, hard, nasty facts.
I can tell that I'm high when listening to celine dion becomes such a life changing experience
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
Randomize
