I just sneezed and had an orgasam..THAT turned on
He was sitting on the bathroom floor, swirling his finger in the toilet singing the Laguna Beach theme song. I don't know whether to laugh or help him.
I just threw up blood. Also i just remembered i got hit in the face with a 2 by 4.
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
I just threw up all of my lunch in the Barnes & Nobles parking lot. Rockbottom tastes like a veggie burger, in case you were wondering.
I tried to break it off with the married one. He offered to pay off my car.
The side bitch struggle is real.
How do you keep manipulating these men into helping you?
I'm a massage therapist with an oral fixation. It's not nearly as hard as you make it out to be.
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
Is a coke binge Whole30 approved?
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
My books smell like weed. What does that tell you about my college experience?
Thumbs up
Randomize