Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
you were drinking a pitcher of what you called "16 loko" and making everybody guess what the secret ingredient was
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
barely 48 hours and I've done the dirty on both of my roommates beds before they've even slept in them
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
I'm full of champagne and rage, of course I'm showing up at his house.
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
I want to sit on top of her nipple mountains and reenact the Ricola commercial.
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
She calls him the walking dildo to his face. That relationship is already fucked up.
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
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