We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
She's a squirter....that makes up for lots of other annoying things
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
At least you got some premium homework time. Still drinking vodka from a coffee cup?
I switched to water. When the numbers get blurry you are no longer being productive.
Oh please not the Easy Cheese again. That was weird.
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
is it bad that I'm more worried about having to take out my piercings than the fact that I might be having a kid
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
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