There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
How was the bike ride?
Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.
story update. I'm locked out of my house. Walk of shame advisory extended...
She had her underwear around her neck. No one can tell me i'm a slut now.
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
It's like god made him fantastic at oral to make up for what his mouth does the rest of the time.
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
I AM VODKA MAN
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
He doesn't wear a seatbelt. He votes Republican. He has a small dick. That house of cards just fell apart.
I forgot that I'm high because of how high I am.
Randomize
