I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
but she was nice to me.
She was a fuckin STRIPPER.
wait, do i give off the impression that i DON'T want girls to show me their boobs if i video chat with them?
my vagina's been through so much this weekend
you mean so much has been through your vagina this weekend?
he ruins everything I try to do including his roommates
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
I'm now drinking beer through a straw. By order of the bartender.
We won't have time to talk.. I'll be rolling you a blunt and you'll be getting naked.
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
My orifices are off limits as long as you have that stache. Your call.
Serious concern: will TSA confiscate my bondage rope?
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
Randomize
