so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
Swallowing. Like you said. Lions. Always.
All I know is you walked out of the kitchen in some kind of French onion dip bra and started passing out individual chips to guys saying " do you dip?"
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
I've been continuously high for the last 48 hours, and just broke my 4th vibrator. Coincidence? FIND ME A MAN I BEG OF YOU.
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
I never knew it was coming. He was cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, and then BAM! Best hookup ever.
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
Randomize
