why isn't there a fb relationship option that says 'still banging my ex'
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
He looks like he got hit by a weed-eater with chlamydia
It was that same situation where "cuddling on the floor" was actually just code for "rough shameful hate sex" hahaha.
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
How do I tell her I need the lights out when I'm getting head because she and my mom share a perm color
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
blue gatorade loses no color upon regurgitation
All he gave me was a sore vagina and film suggestions
I can't believe I'm going to buy bitcoin to pay for erection pills
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
Tomorrow I'm going to tape my thumbs to my palms and my biceps to my abdomen to learn what it's like to be a t-rex for a day. Anyone else in?
Pooping to opera.
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