I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
You don't understand how difficult it is to give head with cotton mouth
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
When I ask you to make sure no ones coming while I'm changing.. The logical friend would keep watch. But you my, best friend come stand in front of me and flash everybody.
Its not like i paid for sex. She was stuck there, we simply exchanged rides.
Just ran into her dad at the strip club. He bought me a dance. I think i found a winner.
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
maybe if I avoid him long enough we could skip the talking part of "we need to talk"
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
For a guy who came before his dick was out of his pants, he gave surprisingly good head.
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
its 4am. iam sitting in the luggage car of the train eating beef jerkey. i feel like a hobo.
dont insult. no hobo is as pathetic as you.
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
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