I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
i signed up to donate 10 dollars a month to help the children that are being displaced in columbia because of the drug wars.. i felt obligated
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
I just went through the Wendy's drive thru only wearing a towel. My life has hit an all time low
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
He went down on me while i ate a whole 7/11 pizza. New level unlocked
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
My drug dealer just told me goodnight...I still don't know his name. But I guess you can say we've moved to the next step.
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