I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
his penis was crooked so i rode him at an angle. he seemed used to this.
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
it was one of those movies netflix should have sent weed with
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
EVERYONE IS SPEAKING SPANISH. I ONLY KNOW HOLA.
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
Who knew she had talents apart from chugging wine spritzers
gave out my moms phone number instead of mine last night... thattttttttttttttt dunk.
U wanna come over and watch talidaga nights. Ill make pancakes
What? It's 130 in the morning.
Aww come on i make bomb ass pancakes
spent the night holding naked strippers up for keg stands and doing endless amounts of body shots. good game 8am final exam.
whats an extra semester when you've already been in college for 6 years?
Randomize
