she had the hairiest bush ive ever seen. it looked like a spoiled head of lettuce.
becoming an adult blows. i don't think its possible for me to wake up for anything that doesn't involve kegs and eggs or half naked bums passed out in our yard.
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
It's like the last supper of drinking before the summer ends
Update- I sold my hat to some drunk kid for 50 bucks. I used my earnings to buy beer on the way home. I realize to everyone else seeing me drinking on my balcony at 6am, I look like an alcoholic, but I'm thinking of it as a night cap
We hit a golf ball off Brady's ass. His dignity flew away into the night.
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
He made me brush his hair afterwards because it made him feel like a ken Barbie.
God I hope the sex was good.
Last night was so embarrassing. I got like almost blackout drunk and threw up in my hand and then blamed it on someone else.
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
Your dick is the only reason I have motivation to come back to school today
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
