I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
I appreciate the offer. Swallowing pride is much like swallowing cum, difficult and unpleasant
im looking at burger kings website. there isnt one anywhere close to where we were last night. i think it was sent from heaven
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
I find out next week of the Australian was lying about his vasectomy or not. Keep your fingers crossed!
The cops knocked on our door just to ask us if we were really having a no-pants party.
I refuse to fuck a guy who needs a coozy for his beer. NOT EVEN IN DESPERATE TIMES LIKE THESE.
I disagree, if your last name is Weiner then the sending of dick pics should be mandatory. I'd give him a pass.
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
I have no idea how but i got a hold of a blue food dye packet. And proceeded to rub it all over my tits. So yeah i'd say its safe to say i'll be known as smurfette for a while
That moment during finals day when you either convince your teacher to let you out of the room or you shit you pants.
I've sent two unsolicited tit pictures in less than 24 hours. I'm the female version of a fuckboy.
He was semi blacked out in the hallway with a bucket, calling for me while I had sex with his best friend in the very next room. Why do you let me do these things?
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