Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
Question: Would it be wrong to just fuck both of them and decide who to date one performance of their cocks?
I just noticed she took the "toys" too. That's how you know when it's really over.
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
Dude if our hands were ladels we could work at a soup kitchen
That would be so convenient
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
As long as I don't spend the half the week passed out/fucked up on Klonopin and no one dies, this will be the best week I've had all semester.
I think we need to have a day of drinking in classes. I know we don't share any, but sacrifices need to be made.
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
Just bought weed from the ice cream man. The kid in front of me got a tootie fruitie.
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
Yeah I know my dick is weird, but I've surprisingly had a lot of fun with it.
Randomize
