He wanted to take me out and said we could "go huntin in the woods."
We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
Hey I'm sorry for head butting you last night. Personally I thought it was funny at the time, but I can see how from your perspective it may not have been as enjoyable for you... Hope your lip is okay.
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
Specially since he wanted to forget that we even touched, which makes it funnier because I don't think you can take back licking someone's butthole...
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
we're forecasting high levels of inebriation into the evening with dropping temperatures late at night
My fuck buddy and I talked about Amelia Bedilia for ten minutes before having sex. I think I'm in love.
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
Randomize
