You discussed the Arab/Israeli conflict with the guy behind the counter at the Kebab shop telling him you supported his people. He was clearly Asian.
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
It was pathetic and I was covered in butter
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
how did we start talking about space blow jobs?
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
Randomize
