Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
We watched 'the mighty ducks' last night and took shots every time someone quacked. I woke up this morning wearing a nothing but a hockey jersey laying next to him on the floor. He was wearing a goalie mask. I really wish I knew what happened.
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
I don't know what the fuck is in the water in New Hampshire, but these dicks are HUGE.
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
You could probably play six degrees of separation of my cock in this city.
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
i don't know what body building stuff he's on, but his cum is basically a 5 hour energy shot.
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
Randomize
