I am pretty sure he just licked my hand while trying to sing goo goo dolls iris to me. Get me out of this state.
Coming down off exstacy at a church event. Resisting the urge to dance to the church hymns.
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
Remember me drinking the vodka from in between your legs?
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
No, no. The rest of his everything inspires me to put his dick in my mouth
Setting up an obstacle course with ladders, hurdles, and a spring board to the pool. you down for drunk races through it later?
Don't get me wrong, I love talking about lube and such, but why are we?
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
For the sake of my mom, I can't sleep with two guys with the same name. She has a hard enough time keeping up as it is
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
He looks like Aladdin, and that's about all he's got going for him.
Randomize
