Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
Deffinety need to stop having sex on the beach just took a dump and it was mostly sand
the three of them together have enough kids to fill a barney live audience.
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
There are a bunch of highly educated, advanced in their field, PUSSY ASS BITCHES in this bar
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
Sup man, did you have a 3way this month if so it would be 3 for 3 for the house
We did it to 80's cardio music. Talk about a workout.
I wish I had a clear image of the dude who was sucking on my tit outside the bar last night
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
Text me some of your sweat
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