Someone shit on the floor
I still have your handprint on my ass. You're not allowed to ignore me yet.
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
I call it a party but only because that sounds better than 8 people getting drunk around a pool.
Why aren't you two playing Dora the explorer with each other's genitals yet?
So I just went to clothing optional bar
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
he's 22 and listens to dad music. if i hear one more modest mouse song i'll never blow him again
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
im gonna miss him. and by him, i mean his dick
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