Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
She literally just puked and rallied AT HER OWN WEDDING. Welcome to White Trash town, America.
I JUST MET THE GIANT MAN THAT WILL CARRY ME FROM PLACE TO PLACE
if by "adventure" you actually mean "getting ridiculously high and shaving our legs," then yes.
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
Your boobs are like a big quesadilla marker
She's not a foreskin expert like you
you walked around drinking beer out of a plunger and telling people it was a goblet...
Didn't think the day of being the oldest in a club would be when I'm twenty one. Even the bouncer looked surprised when he ID me.
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
THAT HOSPITAL MADE ME REALIZE THAT I'M BISEXUAL
I started keeping track of my period when I realized you had a better grasp of it than me.
Randomize