My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
College is just filling the gap until I get a rich girl pregnant
just looked at his mug shot... not really my type
Were driving two hours to st louis so we can pee on the arch. See you in the morning. I might be sober by then.
throwing condoms aimed at his crotch probably isn't the politest way to ask for sex
Just hit him with your car. I can guarantee he won't do it again.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
We are hot boxing the gondola
I hate everything.
For u too. Could be years before u have a finger in ur ass
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
His balls are like really small, like dog sized balls. It was a weird discovery. Ever done a guy with dog sized balls?
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
Be happy for me... Or horny... Or be a really good friend and feel what I want you to feel. Jealousy
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
Randomize
