if i could have babies with my dog i totally would cause i know thay would be fucking hott babies.
he saw my emergency pass-out-in-the-bathroom-after-drunken-puking cot in the bathroom.
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
i dont know everytime i see her teeth i get erectile disfunction
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
It was more like a tour de entire bottle of wine in 14 minutes
How can I not totally like a guy that told me my boobs were too big for me to be taught how to play golf?
Last time i carry you out of a forest
So I stappled myself into my toga... that should be interesting getting out of later tonight...
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
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