We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
So i've def seen the girl running for student body VP getting fingered in a bar.
Just used a champagne bottle to outline a trigonometric circle for math 104.. should i give up on life now or later?
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
I've made a list of places I want to have sex this summer. #1: Reptile House at the zoo.
We were tripping too hard to figure out to tell him where we were so we sent a picture of me laying outside the tent saying "find us"
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
The name of tonight's festivities is hereby decreed to be the "Honey Boo Boo Hootenanny".
Congratulations on your downgrade, shes one hell of a 5
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
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