She told me that she faked her orgasm. Does she think I care??
I just saw that your im name has '4eva' in it. Your man card has been revoked.
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
You were walking around in your swim suit, an open robe, snow boots and a death grip on that handel of captain morgan.
I've watched enough of my roommate's imported Japanese satellite to know when the exchange students are calling me a whore.
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
I just masturbated and watched youtube makeup videos, which was just an extension of masturbation.
She walked out and announced that he was now part of our confused, incestuous, glorious eskimo family. I've never been more proud.
Campus is too small for this to keep happening
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
Three of my exes and one of my exes' brothers have hit me up and it's only been a week. I hate semester break.
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
Randomize
