the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
So, do you think I should wash the ashes off of my forehead before going to the strip club?
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
You were on shrooms and "the trees are crazy green!" is all you could manage.
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
The guy I slept with in AZ just called and is moving here next week.
I called plan parenthood at 407 am... Guess I was thinking ahead
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
Randomize
