Black lace...the rest is up to ur imagination
if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
drunk doesn't even begin to explain it. dude called him and said to bring you back because he'd already called dibs.
well isn't that the pot calling the kettle a make out whore
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
Just ate a chocolate chip cookie upside down. This is what having a degree does for you.
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
It true. It written in the Bible.
Yes I remember that, right next to the passage where jesus said unto his disciples, pop molly, fuck bitches amen
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize
