So instead of cumming in her, I peed in her...
What did she do!?
I didn't tell her...
I'm sorry for the crack den comment. You have a lovely apartment.
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
a creepy fucking ass man came up and started raven cawwing in my ear... he said it was the raven mating call. i am officially freaked out
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
I totally just stopped for a booty call on the way to my parents for easter....good friday is an understatement
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
I feel that my cleavage set an unattainably high bar for 2013.
Totally forgot we howled at the full moon last night... It's safe to say Tuesday Boozeday is my new favorite day of the week
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
Dude on a beach in sicily and a blonde jesus just smoked us out and then tried to makeout with me I am never leaving this place
What can I say, like your penis. The fact that I like the person attached to it helps too
I told you that we shouldn't have sex. You said "its okay I already saw you pee" apparently that was convincing
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
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