I have a new suitor he got my # last nite... I was to tipsy to function! What was I thinking!! It's like u when u first met me
i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
It was laundry day and I was wearing last xmas undies. he took one look and went...you's a ho, ho, ho. my response you ask? for less dough, dough, dough. I'm a slut.
with a sacreligious after taste.
You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
I have to overdose on valtrex I had a rough weekend.
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
Not that you went to little darlings at 3am. But that you checked in on Facebook. C'mon bro. You're better than that.
i don't even know why we got arrested this time. i think the cops just like our company at this point
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
Halloween: the only night of the year wheee the more high I get, the more it compliments my makeup and outfit.
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
Looking back, we probably shouldn't have chased alcohol with more alcohol
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