I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
i rewarded my self with tacobell for not throwing up on any one. MISTAKE
I get credit on the assist, you can thank me by taking a pic of her ass under the covers and sending it to me. It would make my YEAR
I'm bringing a flask to the test on friday. If I'm gonna fail at least I can enjoy the experience
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
I have a third degree burn on my inner thigh from the blunt dropping on me in the car
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
It was 16 hours of liver killing mistake making goodness
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
Nothing to be ashamed of. I bet Oprah has sharted.
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
What does "mood AF" mean?
Mood as fuck.
Why did you comment that on a video of a gorilla throwing its own shit?
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