Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
With sake I got over my irrational fear of seafood. Now I just fear sake.
I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
I told her she has a very organized vagina; somehow she took offense.
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
The penis is a tricky weapon to use. When using it as leverage you have to make it seem emotional. I'd rather use it as a club sometimes.
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
I'm so high. Midnight pancake breakfast in bed
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Randomize
