Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
Tipsy and thinking of you. Talk tomorrow. My alliteration is awesome.
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
i would have smoked before this dance, how ever i have surgery Monday and I looked up weed and anesthesia and fatalities was mentioned, so i decided that it would be a bad idea
probs a good idea
i like the whole idea of life and being alive
you sure you're not high?
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
Doctor just prescribed me 20mg Ritalin 3 times a day. It's becoming the "grain and oats" section of my food triangle.
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of jäger and an empty bed here Friday.
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
No, you are in the clear. The police officer finally just said "I give up" and walked away.
Fuck the system, do you have any medieval weapons?
Randomize