And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
there's just something about her that screams "i'm into chicks who wear flannel"
so he just left - touched my cheek like he was gona kiss me and then gave me a fist bump?
So much for the toy store...Not a butt plug in the entire place. See you tonight.
a creepy fucking ass man came up and started raven cawwing in my ear... he said it was the raven mating call. i am officially freaked out
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
I HAVE MY OWN TITS FOR THAT AND I CAN GUARANTEE THAT THEYRE MORE GLORIOUS
After Madison dropped a bottle of full vodka an it shattered on the floor, it was quiet for literally 3 min straight and then drew said "the booze gods have spoken"
Did I send you a naked snap the other day with a fat blunt in my mouth with the caption "$1200 bitches!" ?
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
Randomize
