We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
i got a mint flavored condom from wellness day...im kind of tempted to taste it
Someone's playing Limp Bizkit out loud on the train. I think the decade reset it self.
how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
Just topless shotgunned a bud light alone. I am about to peer mentor the shit out of these freshmen.
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
It's all coming back to me. I drank moonshine from a milk carton from a guy named tomohawk last night.
I agreed not to hook up with any randoms while she's on vacation, if that isn't a show of good faith then I don't know what is...
Regardless of your intentions, deep throating a Twinkie is NOT sexy. You owe that poor cashier an apology the next time you pump gas.
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
Do not tell me I cant do drunk math ever again, AND I made a creative way of telling him I want him to fuck me.
you were trying to drink the laundry detergent and yelling blue drankkkkk
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
Randomize
